Gintama - One Shot Barrage
by HeroFiend
Summary: Multitude of Gintama One-Shots. Chapters can be read in any order. Featuring anime-esque jokes, conversations that go absolutely nowhere and the slacking trio that we have grown to adore.
1. Chapter 1: Pursue of a Cross-Dresser

**Genre: Humour/Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.**

* * *

**When Terrorists Hide In Shady Shops, Don't Pursue Them**

* * *

"Hijikata-san," Sougo said.

"Yeah?" Toshiro replied.

"Do you need me to buy food for you? You don't have to eat dog food, you know."

"Which part of this looks like dog food to you?!" Toshiro blustered.

"Well, that hideous mess of white stuff you are shoving into your throat right now. That must be dog food."

"As I have said so many times before, this is mayonnaise, delicious old mayonnaise."

"Forgive me, Hijikata-san, all I can see is a pile of dog shit that has been dyed white," Sougo commented.

"Damn you, Sougo. Wanna take it outside?" Hijikata roared, setting his bowl of mayonnaise fried rice on the table gently before drawing his sword from his sheath.

"Sounds good to me," Sougo replied, a glint in his eye as he drew his own from his sheath.

The wooden door to their room opened. Yamazaki was panting heavily for breath.

"What is it? Yamazaki?" Hijikata asked.

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou, Katsura has been spotted!" Yamazaki struggled to say.

"What?!" Toshiro yelled.

"Looks like we will have to continue this duel later, Hijikata-san," Sougo said, sheathing his sword.

"Humph, guess you will have longer to live then, Sougo," Hijikata said, sheathing his own. "Yamazaki, lead the way then. By the way, why are you panting so heavily? Didn't you use the police car to get here?"

"I was playing bad- I mean, the police car had broken down, so I had to run back here on foot," Yamazaki said.

"Damn you, Yamazaki. You have been playing badminton, haven't you? Honestly, go and get your own anime where you can be the Prince of Badminton or whatnot," Toshiro said.

"Hijikata-san, you can go ahead and join Yamazaki in his anime. You can be the girl who always supports him in his matches, hoping that he will look at you one da-" Sougo dodged a bowl of mayonnaise fried rice. "Watch where you are disposing of the dog food, Hijikata-san. I don't want to get drenched in that muck."

"You are so gonna die in a few hours, Sougo."

* * *

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou," Yamazaki said, pointing. "That was the place he was last spotted in."

Toshiro and Sougo stared.

"Yamazaki," Toshiro shook, struggling to light up a cigarette with his trembling hands. "Do you know what place is that?"

"? Isn't that just an _okama_ shop?" Yamazaki replied.

"Yes, an _okama_ shop," Toshiro said, finally lighting up his cigarette and giving a loud puff. "And why would a Jouishishi be at an _okama _shop?! You idiot! Did you really see him here?!" he yelled.

"Hijikata-san, look," Sougo said, staring at the mouth of the entrance to the shop.

A person with long, flowing black hair was ushering people in. The make up on his face made him strangely feminine, but did not ultimately serve to conceal his identity.

"KATSURA!" Toshiro yelled, his cigarette falling from his mouth. Stubbing the cigarette with his shoe, he opened the door of the car.

_Bang._

Something went crashing into the door. Next moment, a scooter and a man with wavy, silver permed hair went flying.

"Oh, it's Boss," Sougo commented as he left from his side of the car.

Toshiro climbed out from the open door to find himself face to face with a glaring face with dead fish eyes. Blood was streaming profusely from the right side of his head.

"What did you think you were doing, you damn _mayora_?!_" _Sakata Gintoki hollered, spraying spittle all over Toshiro's face. "Haven't you ever learnt that you shouldn't open car doors suddenly in traffic? You should at least look behind you and give a signal to incoming drivers, you idiot!"

"Why should I look behind me and give signals?! That's the most idiotic thing I have ever heard, you damn samurai!" Toshiro blustered.

"Never mind," Gintoki said, stretching out an open palm.

Toshiro stared at the extended hand. "What?"

"Of course I am asking you for compensation, you damn _mayora addict!_" Gintoki shouted. "What did you think I was trying to do? Ask you for a dance in Cinderella's ballroom?!"

"Why the hell should I give you compensation, you damn perm haired samurai?!" Toshiro shouted back. "You were the one who came crashing into the door. _You _should pay me compensation instead!"

"I only crashed into the door because you went and open it, you idiot!"

"How am I supposed to get out if I don't open the door, you damn samurai?!"

"I don't know, maybe get out from the other door?"

"Why the hell should I climb out from the other door when I could just get out from the one closest to me?!"

"Road safety comes first, _mayora!_ Haven't you seen those TV shows? Road accidents always occur because some idiot insists on opening the door closest to him!"

"What kind of TV show will have such a situation?! Only _you _will get hit by an opening car door!"

They glared at each other, both refusing to give way.

"Hijikata-san, Boss," Sougo said. "Could you save the lovebirds' quarrel for later? I am kinda feeling the intense pressure of being the third wheel here."

"Die, Sougo," Toshiro cleared his throat, stepped back and reached into his uniform. He retrieved a bottle of mayonnaise and held it out to Gintoki.

"Here, your compensation. Be glad, you damn samurai. That was my last bottle," Toshiro said.

"How the heck can a bottle of mayonnaise compensate for all these injuries?! I am not a mayonnaise addict like you, idiot! I want money, cold, hard money!"

"Huh? You are saying that mayonnaise is not as valuable as money?!" Toshiro said, squaring up to Gintoki again.

"Obviously, you damn _mayora addict_! Money is the source of life, you know. With money, I can head to a _pachinko _and play those slot machines to my heart's content. With money, I can drink all the strawberry milk and eat all the chocolate parfaits I want. With money, I can probably request Shounen Jump to cancel that god awful manga ,"Gintaman" as well."

"Aren't you just talking about what you want in life? What's with the wise tone? It does not fit in with what you are saying, you damn samura-"

"Watch out there," Sougo called.

The both of them turned their heads to see a huge missile going their way.

"WHAT THE?!" they yelled as it exploded at their feet. They were somehow miraculously alive, albeit with charcoal black faces and frizzled hair. Gintoki's hair was still naturally permed and wavy, though.

"What was that for?!" Toshiro shouted.

"Tch," Sougo looked away, a look of frustration on his face. "He's still alive, huh? Should have aimed right at his face."

"Oi, I can hear you, you damn idiot!" Toshiro blustered. "And keep that huge bazooka of yours already! Where the hell do you manage to hide it anyway? The damn gorilla has never tried to explain how you could always draw out this huge ass weapon out whenever you want!"

"Oh, you know. Just like that anime with the robot cat. I got this pouch where I can stash all sorts of items. Incidentally, Hijikata-san," Sougo said. "I got around fifty of your dead bodies in my pouch. I like to get them out and stare at them whenever I'm having difficulty sleeping. It helps me a lot."

"Fukuchou, Okita-kaichou, can we go and arrest Katsura already? I have got an important badminton match against the Generation of Miracles later! I heard that they can do these vanishing dips and formless smacking with their rackets! One could even play badminton from outside the arena!" Yamazaki burst, unable to keep the anticipation out of his voice.

"Alright, alright, let's go in and arrest that _okama _already," Toshiro sighed. "Damn samurai, I will pay you your compensation later on, so get going first."

"You kidding? I am following you until I get my money, you damn _mayora_!"

* * *

"Katsura!" Toshiro shouted. "Come on out! We got the place surrounded. You cannot escape this time!"

The customers instantly got up and fled, seeming to emit sighs of relief as they went.

"Ahhhh," the _okama_ cried. "It's the Shinsengumi! They are so… Hey, they are pretty handsome! Girls, let's go!"

The _okama _began running. Toshiro and Sougo could feel their faces turning white.

"If you take another step near us," Sougo said. "I'm firing this bazooka at your _kintamas_, if you still have them."

"Ahhh, a Sadist!" some _okama_ whimpered. "I'm a M! Please, do me!"

"Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick," Toshiro said, trying to contain his wave of nausea. "Katsura! Come on out, or I'm gonna rip this place down!"

"I am not Katsura! I am Zurako!"

Katsura came walking out of a door, looking just like a natural born female.

"Katsura!" Sougo said, before firing a missile straight at him.

There was no explosion.

They found themselves staring as a huge man redirected the missile with his bare hands and sent it flying out of the _okama_ shop.

_Boom_

"How dare you try to lay a hand on my girls," the huge man rumbled. "I, Mademoiselle Saigou, will not let you off!"

He was just about to pounce when he noticed a samurai with permed, wavy hair and a pair of dead fish eyes.

"Paako!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Have you realised the beauty of our trade and returned here permanently, just like Zurako?"

"No way, no way," Gintoki shook his head, waving his hands as he retreated. "I just came here with these guys to get my compensation. Even if I went bonkers, I will never come here again. My_ kintama _have hardly been used yet, after all. And Zura! What the hell are you doing here? Have you lost your sexuality?"

"I am not Zura! I am Zurako!" Katsura said. "Well, err, I'm working here because I got into some trouble with Saigou-san. The other day, I had met him again in a ramen shop. When he had offered me some of his ramen, I had a slip of the tongue and called him a sexless monster for offering ramen to a soba fan. Well, the next thing I knew, I was here."

"Why the hell would you go to a ramen shop if you liked soba, anyway?" Gintoki demanded. "Shouldn't you go to a soba shop instead? Oi, _mayora addict, _give me my compensation quickly. I'm actually in a hurry to catch the soap opera at 4PM."

"It's 5PM now, you damn idiot," Toshiro replied.

"Hold on, Paako," Saigou said.

Gintoki froze.

"We happen to be kind of short-handed right now. Why don't you work for us as a form of compensation, seeing as the three of you scared all of my customers off?" he asked.

"I, errr…" Gintoki tried to protest, but quailed under the huge man's threatening stare.

* * *

"Why the hell am I working here right now, you damn samurai?" Toshiro asked, cramming himself into a tight dress and dragging a long haired wig over his head.

"That's what I will like to ask you, you damn idiot," Gintoki replied, buttoning the front of his outfit.

"Katsura, as soon as this whole thing is over, you are coming with us, you got that?" Toshiro said.

"I am not Katsura! I am Zurako!" Katsura said as he prepared a flask of _sake_ on a plate.

"This outfit sure doesn't fit me, does it?" Sougo lamented. All of them stared at him.

Long yellow hair, blushed cheeks, tight dress with floral prints. He looked just like a British blonde. The outfit did not just fit him, it was practically made for him.

_(Meanwhile, Yamazaki has given up on his superiors and has driven to the venue of the Badminton showdown. Will he succeed against the likes of Kurako, Midorama, Kase and Aamine? Stay tuned for the next episode of Yamazaki's Badminton!)_


	2. Chapter 2: Three Envelopes, Three People

**Genre: Humour/Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.**

* * *

**When There Are Three Envelopes, Always Pick The Smallest**

* * *

In the land of Edo, in the district of Kabukicho, there was a particular snack shop operated by a seemingly grumpy old woman, a middle-aged lady with cat ears and an emotionless robot with green hair. The shop possesses two storeys, and while the first floor was utilised for the business, the second was leased to a samurai with wavy, silver permed hair. The samurai wasted no time in making the storey his own, designing a huge banner with the words,' Yorozuya Gin Chan' and displaying it right outside his window.

These words actually meant something, even though it could be really hard to believe. This samurai supposedly works as a form of odd jobs labourer, and will accept tasks for a certain amount of money. For a while, he was running the profession by himself. After that, a teenage boy with glasses started working for him. A period of time later, a china-looking girl with two buns (Hair, not the literal food) joined as well. Thereafter, the trio officially ran the business, helping all sorts of people with all sorts of tasks.

At this particular point in time, the samurai, glasses and the china girl were seated around a wooden table. On the wooden table were three white envelopes of different sizes. One was large, another was medium-sized and the last was absolutely tiny. There was an air of tension in the atmosphere. Nobody dared to move a muscle.

The samurai cleared his throat, effectively breaking the silence. The hackles of the other two were instantly raised.

"Alright, guys. This latest job that we somehow pulled off got us quite a bit of money. Normally, I will just divide the payment equally between us and everyone will be happy," he intoned. "However, this particular client had sorted the fees into three portions for us on her own will. Real kind of her, isn't she?"

They all looked at the envelopes, carefully taking notice of the different sizes.

"You know, I'm sure they all contain the same amount of money," the boy with the glasses said. "Maybe Mrs Othello (the client) just could not find envelopes of the same size."

"Naïve, Shinpachi," the china girl shook her head in disapproval. "That old woman obviously did not like how we got her job done. She must have sent envelopes of different sizes in order to sow discord among us, uh-huh."

Convinced by her own words, she began nodding her head in agreement.

"Well, considering the fact that the cat was almost dead when we returned it to her, it is possible that she will be pretty angry with us," Shinpachi mused.

"We can't help it, can we?" the china girl shrugged her shoulders haughtily. "The cat had us going for so many hours. If I had not thrown a car at it, it will never have given up, nope."

"We were lucky that the cat even survived," Shinpachi sighed. "Not to mention the whole fiasco we got into with the Shinsengumi. We nearly got imprisoned, didn't we, Gin-san?"

"Exactly, Shinpachi. If you had gotten imprisoned, Kagura-chan and I will surely bring flowers to you every week," the samurai said, nodding his head.

"Oi! Why am I the only one getting imprisoned? Besides, it was Kagura-chan who threw that car, not me. And why would you bring flowers to me? I'm getting imprisoned, not having a funeral!" Shinpachi protested heatedly.

"Let's just leave matters at that, shall we, Shinpachi-kun?" Sakata Gintoki, the samurai with the wavy, silver permed hair chimed. "Let's get back to the envelopes. Now, we could always open the envelopes, merge all the money and then allocate proportionately again."

It was clear from the expression on his face that he did not believe in what he was saying.

"But, that will be unkind to dear Mrs Othello, who took so much care in preparing three different envelopes just for us. Thus, I believe that we should accept her gesture and choose an envelope for ourselves."

"Yeah, that will be great, Gin-san!" Shinpachi agreed.

"I'm fine with anything, uh-huh" Kagura shrugged.

"Alright then, who wants to choose first?" Gintoki asked, raising his arm into the air before he had even finished his own sentence. Unfortunately, the other two seemed to have raised their own early as well. They glared at each other, trying to get the latter to back down.

"I raised my arm first, I think," Gintoki said, making a mad grab at the largest envelope. His hand was immediately blocked by two other arms.

"Really? But I was absolutely convinced that I had raised mine first, uh-huh" Kagura quipped, trying to reach for the envelope now. With her superhuman strength, it took all the strength of Gintoki and Shinpachi to hold her at bay.

"This is bad," Shinpachi thought, teeth clenched tightly. "I definitely can't win the other two with just strength. For the sake of the latest CD by Otsuu-chan, I will have to attack with my mind."

"Gin-san, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi mustered. "Why don't we have a truce and negotiate instead? This power struggle will never get results."

"Great idea, Shinpachi-kun," Gintoki gritted his teeth, sweat streaming down his face. "Kagura-chan, please withdraw your crazy, superhuman strength for one minute and we can discuss like civilized people."

"Civilized people? Gin-chan, if I stop using strength now, would I be counted as one as well?" Kagura asked, eyes shining.

"Yes, Kagura-chan," Gintoki struggled. "You will be as civilized as Shimura Ken, maybe even more so."

"Okay!" Kagura exclaimed, letting go.

"Now!" cried both Gintoki and Shinpachi as they both reached for the 'golden' envelope.

They never managed to get there. Why? Because somebody was pushing them back with superhuman strength, that's why.

"Hah! Do you think I will fall for it again? I have learnt my lesson from that time with the hotpot, you idiots!" Kagura laughed.

"Never thought you will have wised up, Kagura-chan," Gintoki grunted. "You must have entered your rebellious phase. Really, young girls these days…"

In the next few minutes, different variations of noises that suggests major constipation cropped up.

"Isn't this getting pretty draggy?" Shinpachi said, panting heavily.

"You don't say," Gintoki puffed.

"Sukonbu!" Kagura yelled, adding a huge burst of strength to her already impressive roster. It took every tendon of Gintoki and Shinpachi's muscles to even contain her.

"Sukonbu can be bought anytime, my dear Kagura-chan," Gintoki said, gritting his teeth. "My parfaits cannot be bought anytime though. I mean, I got this condition where I will die within a few seconds if I don't ingest some sugar. I told you guys before, didn't I?"

"Yeah, right! Last I heard, you will _definitely die_ _within a few seconds _if you get any more sugar!" Shinpachi shouted, shifting his position in order to counter with his entire body weight.

"This is why I decided to live a short and sugary life, Shinpachi-kun!" Gintoki replied with gusto.

"You two should be gentlemen and let a lady go first!" Kagura proclaimed, now using two hands to grab the envelope. "I am young and I need to eat more. Haven't you heard my sad past already? I only got to eat plain rice for thirteen whole years. You guys should have some heart!"

"How much do you want to eat?!" Gintoki and Shinpachi hollered, shielding with two hands each. "You clear around ten sacks of rice in one single meal, and your beloved dog clears seven. If we have more heart, we will have ended up like Madoka already!"

"Do not use Madoka's name so lightly! She died for the sins of the people on Earth, and she definitely does not spend all her hard-earned money on slot machines or idol CDs, you idiot permanent perm and idiot otaku! Besides…" Kagura's face turned red. "Her personality was obviously modelled after mine. Oh, how embarrassing, uh-huh"

"How on earth could her personality ever have been modelled after yours?!" Gintoki yelled. "It's as if Levi's character was modelled after Shinpachi. Their personalities are totally at opposite ends of the world!"

"Oi! Just how low do I fall in the coolness factor?! Did I even reach two upon ten?" Shinpachi shouted.

"You barely reached one, Shinpachi-kun, but if you removed your glasses, your glasses will rise to seven," Gintoki mused.

"Oi! Just how much of a glasses man am I?!"

The window opened. The trio glanced away from the envelope.

"Ah, Gintoki! Perfect, let me hide here for a while," a man with long, flowing black hair said. He proceeded to close the window after him, sat down, poured a cup of tea for himself and drank from it, giving a contented sigh. Only then did he look up.

"Say, what are you guys doing?" he asked.

"I wanna know what _you _are doing here, Zura!" Gintoki hollered.

"It's not Zura. It's Tea Master Katsura!" he replied indignantly. "The Shinsengumi are after me again. So, I saw your residence and thought that it was the perfect place to hide."

"How exactly is my place a perfect place to hide?"

"Oh, you know. Nobody will ever think that a wanted Jouishishi criminal will ever turn up at an odd job labourer's office," he said, nodding his head in agreement to his own words.

"To be honest, the Shinsengumi did turn up here before, asking for you," Gintoki said, recalling. "However, that incident seemed to be a filler in the anime, so maybe only Sunrise thinks that you will turn up here. I don't know though. This whole stupid setup was constructed by some otaku kid who had watched too much anime. Perhaps he thinks that you will turn up here as we-"

The wooden, sliding door to their room opened.

"Hey, did you see Katsura?" a man who does not actually look like a gorilla but perceived as one asked. (Happens after thorny arc, so they know that Gintoki knows Katsura)

"And why will I have seen him? Honestly, what kind of Jouishishi will turn up at an odd job labourer's place?" Gintoki said, exasperated.

"The one behind you, boss," a boy barely out of his teens with light-brown hair aimed a bazooka at them.

Gintoki turned slowly.. Katsura was apparently trying to camouflage with the table.

"Why the heck haven't you left yet, Zura?! Are you stupid? How can you merge with the table when you are wearing clothes of a different colour?" Gintoki yelled.

"It's not Zura. It's Camouflage Master Katsura!" Katsura said, before leaping onto the ledger of the window. "See you again, Gintoki!"

He jumped out.

"After him!" the Shinsengumi cried, running back out of the door.

"Sorry to bother you, Boss. Please continue your gentle discussion," the light brown-haired boy said, turning around and leaving as well.

"How the heck does this look like a gentle discussion to you?!" Gintoki shouted after him.

"We will be leaving, Yorozuya," the gorilla said. "Hey! Now you are not even bothering with the _don't look like a gorilla but perceived as one _statement and just labelling me as a gorilla straightaway?"

"Who are you talking to…" the trio asked.

"The… you know… Ah, never mind. I will go and find Otae-san instead. Goodbye!" the animal beat his chest and left.

"Alright, now that the idiots are gone…" Gintoki said, redirecting his attention to the envelopes.

Only one was left on the table.

"Hm? What? Why is there only one left? Now that I think about it, I haven't really been feeling much pressure on my hands…" he trailed off, looking up from the table. Shinpachi and Kagura were grinning at him, the medium and large sized envelopes in their hands respectively.

"When did you…" Gintoki began, before reacting in a state of shock. He had just realised that ever since Katsura appeared, he had been the one playing the straight man. Shinpachi was already inconspicuous enough, yet the fact that he did not play his usual role earlier on was even more inconspicuous. Kagura was also strangely silent, when she would have went into an argument with the yellow haired kid instantly in normal situations.

The brats must have fought for the envelopes when I was distracted. Kagura obviously won, so she got the large one. Shinpachi settled for the medium sized one as a result.

"I guess I have to go for the small one, then," Gintoki ran a hand through his natural perm hair carelessly. Reaching for the envelope, he opened it and drew out the content. Shinpachi and Kagura checked theirs as well.

There was an awkward silence.

"Shinpachi-kun, Kagura-chan, what did the both of you get?" Gintoki asked.

They slowly held out a piece of paper each.

"Mr Tibbs(the cat) went missing! What should I do? I'm worried sick," Shinpachi read off his piece.

"Asked the local Yorozuya to help me find Mr Tibbs. Hoping for results soon, uh-huh" Kagura read off her piece.

They looked at Gintoki.

"Those useless fellows brought Mr Tibbs in a near half dead state to me and dare to ask me for their compensation. I should just give them three different envelopes and make them argue over it. After that, they will find out that there was no money in the envelope inside anyway. Hahaha! That will serve them right. Maybe I should put in some random paper as well, to make it look like they are filled with something. Oh yes, I should put this one in as well. They will surely flip tables when they find out that I have tricked them. Haha, idiots, have you found out that you have been tricked? Baka, baka! Hahahahaahah-" Gintoki read with increasing rage, finally crumpling the paper in a heap and throwing it out of the window.

He stood up.

"Come, guys. Let's go and teach an old woman that even Madoka cannot save her now," he said. Without hesitation, Shinpachi and Kagura followed close behind, looking for all the world like a trio of heroes on a grandiose journey when what they are really going to do was heading to an old woman's house and beating her up senseless.

"Oi! You third-rate writer! You put us in this stupid situation and now you are berating us?" Gintoki raged, pointing at the fourth wall. "Stop typing already and go and study, you idiot otaku!"

"Oi!"

"Not you, Shinpachi," Kagura shrugged indifferently. "Even though he must have been modelled after you, uh-huh"

"Oi!" I yelled.

"How can you break the fourth wall and join in our conversation?!" Gintoki shouted.

"Writer's privilege, you permanent perm!" I shouted back.

In the next year, Sakata Gintoki will lose all his money on slot machines and remain a cherry boy for the rest of his life…

"Oi, don't make things up, you third-rate writer!" Gintoki yelled. "Readers, the real story is actually being done by a gorilla, not this idiot otaku. So please, read the gorilla's material instead. Thank you and have a very nice day."


	3. Chapter 3: Writing Block

**Genre: Humour/Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.**

* * *

**When You Have A Writing Block, Don't Use It As A Topic**

* * *

It was a nice, sunny morning…

It was a gloomy and downcast night as ravens swept the air…

There was a somber silence in the room…

Edo was in real danger-

"Oi, what kind of crap are you writing there?" Gintoki demanded. "In fact, what are you even trying to write? I don't get it!"

"You know…" the author said, pondering. "Writer's block, you know."

"Mental block?" Kagura questioned curiously.

"Close enough, really," the author replied resignedly. "To be honest, my mind is totally cramped right now. It's as if some foreign object had decided to lodge itself in my brain…"

"That's sad, isn't it?" Gintoki picked his nose. "Here, have a chocolate parfait. It will make your brain _freeze_."

"That's worse, isn't it?" the author protested.

"Gin-san, give him a break," Shinpachi chided. "A writer's block is a really tough thing to go through, you know."

"What's a writer's block, Shinpachi?" Kagura inquired.

"It's what happens when a writer can't envisage any more ideas, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi explained. "It actually caused a few famous authors to quit writing altogether!"

"That's scary, yup," Kagura commented.

"Well," Gintoki closed his eyes and nodded. "Don't worry then. You are _definitely _not a famous author. This writing block thingy should fade away soon."

"Was that an attempt to comfort me or insult me?" the author arched an eyebrow. "I don't know if I should feel sad or happy, to be honest."

"Author-san," Shinpachi said. "If you get a writer's block, you should stop writing and relieve some stress instead. It will go away faster."

"Relieve stress?" the author repeated. "How…?"

"Eat this damn chocolate parfait," Gintoki insisted. "Don't you know that sugar performs wonders for stressed people? After all, when you spell stressed backwards, you get desserts. There's obviously a cause for this fact!"

"I'm not having a brain freeze when it's already malfunctioning, thank you!" the author replied curtly. "My brain might just cease to function altogether."

"It doesn't matter does it?" Kagura questioned. "Your brain has stopped working six years ago, yup. All the congestions of erot-"

"Stop! Stop! This is a K+ rated fan fiction!" the author protested vigorously.

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Kagura picked her nose and flicked a booger out of the author's computer screen. "All the readers on Fan Fiction have been exposed to the internet, yup. All they have to do is input a **** somewhere and everything will be revealed. I bet even eight-year old kids are more knowledgeable about certain stuff than grown adults, uh-huh."

"Geez, you don't say," Gintoki shook his head. "All the kids with the scrunched up tissues in their rooms… Jerking of-"

"I'm serious! This is approaching dangerous territory! We are gonna get abandoned by the only follower we have so far if this goes on! Besides, how the hell did you throw that booger at me? You're in a story, I'm in reality!" the author blustered.

"Author-san," Shinpachi said slowly. "That doesn't matter, does it? You're conversing with us in _our _story."

"Oh, yeah," the author pondered. "That's true- like hell that does! It still doesn't explain why a virtual booger could hit my forehead in reality!"

"That's easy, yup," Kagura pointed out, revving up a futuristic box-like thing over her eyes. "I just used this O_culus rift_ to throw my golden snot at you, uh-huh."

"Just because you could see the world in 4D, doesn't mean that you will be able to throw 4D snot, idiot!" the author blustered.

"This conversation is going haywire, isn't it?" Gintoki commented. "We were definitely talking about tissue papers before this whole oculus thing-"

"That was just a sick conversation _you _made up!" the author said brusquely. "We were talking about the relief of stress before all kinds of stupid things made their way in, idiot!"

"But my ideas were related to the relief of stress!" Gintoki said. "Parfaits and tissue papers and erot-"

"Don't tease him anymore, Gin-san," Shinpachi cut across the silver-haired samurai's rant. "He's not used to such explicit teasing."

"Shinpachi…" the author said gratefully. "I knew you will help me… we are birds of the same feather, after all."

"Yeah," Shinpachi nodded, pushing his glasses with the tip of his fingers. "We are the Otakus who hide behind computer screens and sing along to our favourite songs."

"And endless gaming…" the author continued with a dreamy sigh.

There was a pregnant pause as the otakus sank in their reverence.

"This is turning into an Otaku's meeting, isn't it?" Gintoki muttered irritably.

"Yeah," Kagura answered. "It's pissing me off for some reason, uh-huh."

"Ahem…" the author coughed. "Sorry for that slight pause. I was- hang on for a minute. Yes, Mum? What is it? Lunch…? I will have that spicy Nando's chicken from downtown- yeah, that newly opened store- alright, thanks!"

When he walked back, the trio were looking at him in disbelief.

"What…?" the author protested. "A man needs to eat."

"That's not the case, Author-san…" Shinpachi arched an eyebrow. "It's the fact that you somehow stepped _out _of the story that renders us speechless. This might be a work of fan fiction, but there must surely be some rules governing the structure of a story, aren't there?"

"Ha-ha…" the author laughed weakly. "It's fine… I think."

"Hey!" Kagura leaned forward curiously. "If you could step out of our story, could _we _step into reality?"

The author contemplated for a while.

"It doesn't work that way," he shook his head. "I self-inserted my persona into your story, so I could afford to step out of it. However, it's just not possible to self-insert _yourselves _into my world."

"Tch, party-popper," Kagura drew back, looking at him reproachfully.

"It's reality!" the author protested weakly. "2D objects can't just materialize in the 4D world! It's just not logical!"

"Pokemon did it, didn't they?" Gintoki pointed out. "From the 2D Ruby version to the 4D X version…?"

"It's 3D, not 4D!" the author shouted. "How could Pokemon exist in reality? Everyone will abandon their work and go on Pokemon-capturing journeys! The world will get ****** up!"

"It will happen, mark my words," Gintoki said, nodding his head. "Reality is already ****** up, after all. Just take a look at all the 4D blow-up doll-"

"Oi, could you stop using the lewd stuff as reference?" the author yelled. "Why did you have to think of blow-up dolls when there are so many things that ***** up reality?"

"Err… Author-san," Shinpachi cut in. "I think we have deviated from the original topic by quite a lot…"

"What- really!" the author exclaimed. "We were supposed to talk about my writer's block and all I got was a buck load of M rated stuff!"

"It's fine, Author-san," Shinpachi said quickly. "Let's pretend that the conversation commenced from here instead."

"You got it, Shinpachi," the author agreed.

"Basically, to relieve stress," Shinpachi said earnestly. "There are many ways to do so. Gin-san's method is the worst."

"Hey, how is this worst?" Gintoki demanded. "It's super effective for stressed types!"

"This is not Pokemon, Gin-san!" Shinpachi yelled. "Geez- anyway, if you happen to eat sugary foods every time you get stressed, it won't help in the long run. The weighing machine will probably break in half."

"But Gin-chan is still muscular after all those parfaits!" Kagura pointed out. "Why is that so?"

"That, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said warily. "It's- actually, I don't know why as well. Why the _hell _are you still so muscular, Gin-chan? Every fit person in the world wants to know!"

Gintoki picked his nose nonchalantly.

"I work out every day, Patsuan," he said, flicking a booger out of the author's computer screen. "I hang out at the gym every single day-"

"The only place you hang out frequently in is the _Pachinko_!" Shinpachi shouted. "Ah, never mind. It's probably a slip-up of the gorilla himself. Anyways, getting back to the original topic at hand, the most appropriate way to get rid of stress will be through exercise. It's the primal method, really."

"Exercise?" the author breathed. "Will it really work? Alright, thanks, Shinpachi! I will be off for a while!"

"I'm back!" the author panted uncontrollably, sweat streaming down the sides of his cheeks profusely. "How's it going?"

"Err…" Shinpachi said hesitantly. "Nothing happened. We can't exactly talk in a story unless an author writes it down. In this case, the author is _you_."

"Ah…" the author paused to collect his breath. "I'm sorry about that. Let's resume the topic at hand. Where were we?"

"We just cleared it, Author-san," Shinpachi said slowly. "Your writing block should be somewhat eased by now. That was the whole point of exercising."

The author contemplated for a moment.

"You're right!" he exclaimed with a grin. "I can feel the ideas _flowing _through my mind right now! In fact, I feel ready to write an entire novel!"

"Work hard at it!" Shinpachi smiled, waving. "Come to us if you ever encounter a writing block again!"

"You got it, Shinpachi!" the author grinned, stepping out of their story. A dimensional door closed after him.

There was a lengthy pause.

"Why are the words still appearing?" Gintoki commented. "Didn't the author clear his writing block? Why is he still on this story-"

The faces of the trio darkened.

"He was just using it as a topic for a story, wasn't he?" Kagura whispered threateningly. "Playing with a young girl's feelings like that…"

She cracked her knuckles.

"Shinpachi-kun," Gintoki stood up. "We are going to whack the hell out of an idiot. You won't mind, will you?"

The bespectacled teenager cracked his own knuckles.

"Of course I won't mind, Gin-san," he muttered darkly. "I have got a bone to crack with him as well."

"Let's go, Patsuan, Kagura-chan," Gintoki said, gritting his teeth. "Self-insert into reality!"

There was a pregnant pause. Nothing was happening.

"He's the one writing the story, after all…" Gintoki muttered, looking enraged. "Damn it, we can't do a single thing."

The trio looked crestfallen as they receded into their original positions.

"Writers have so much power, don't they?" Kagura asked. "They could control entire worlds and characters with just their fingertips, yup."

The trio gazed listlessly at the ground. Kagura's realization just made the situation even harder for them-

"End the story already, you sadistic bastard!" Gintoki yelled. "How long are you gonna drag this story for? You got what you wished for, didn't you?"

"Yeah, bastard!" Kagura shook a fist. "If I see you again, I will surely-"

A white light began to pulsate. The trio stared curiously as the white edges gradually faded, revealing a person with straight, black hair.

The author burst into the story again, perplexed and worried.

"Hey, how could you be in the story?" he demanded urgently. "I didn't write anything about a white light!"

The mysterious person simply smiled.

"That's because I'm not a character," he said sardonically. "I can't be controlled by simple keys and flicks."

The mysterious person turned to the trio.

"Do you want revenge against the writers of Fan Fictions?" he asked. "Do you want to write stories about the _authors_ and implement them in totally awkward situations?"

Without any hesitation, the Yorozuya Gin-chan nodded their heads vigorously.

"Very well then, follow me," the person with the straight, black hair said calmly. "I will lead you to your salvation."

"Wait!" the author exclaimed in desperation. "Who are you? How could you enter the unpublished story of a Fan Fiction writer?"

The mysterious person gazed at him.

"Who am I?" the person repeated cynically.

A smirk plastered itself on his face.

"I am _HeroBrind_."

* * *

A/N: This is just a one-shot, but if you guys somehow liked the totally weird idea of characters coming after the authors, I will be more than happy to expand the story. Anyways, hope you guys liked it! Haven't done a one-shot in a while ;)


	4. Chapter 4: Mother's Day Special

**Genre: Humour/Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.**

* * *

**When It's Mother's Day, Don't Ask The Shinsengumi For Anything**

* * *

It was a special day for the entire world.

It was Mother's Day.

In accordance with the honorary day for all the mothers in the world, the Yorozuya Gin-chan have consented to present a Gintama special just for this particular occasion. Dressed smartly in suits and ties, they were seated around a grandiose-looking table on luscious-looking chairs. There was a sealed box lying right in the middle of the table, with a tag stating 'Happy Mother's Day' stuck on the side of it. The lighting in the room was exceptionally pleasant, not to mention a fragrant aroma that smells of roses. This event has been brought to you by the well-wishing folks at Aniplex-

"Oi! Stop making up stuff!" Sakata Gintoki shouted, distinctly disgruntled. "What do you mean by a grandiose-looking table and luscious-looking chairs? We are just seated around the usual brown table, with the damn floor supporting our asses!"

"Yeah!" Kagura quipped irritably. "What do you mean by 'pleasant lighting' and 'fragrant aroma'? The lights are out because we could not afford the electricity bill this month, and the room just smells of an old man's armpit, uh-huh."

"Why do we have to wear such formal suits in our own office?" Shinpachi demanded, sweating profusely. "With the lights out, we have to resort to using a freaking candle to even see each other! There's no air-conditioner, and the fan can't be switched on! What kind of treatment is this?"

"Anime cruelty, that's what it is," Gintoki snorted, getting to his feet. "Let's go, Patsuan, Kagura-chan. I'm not staying for this farce any longer! Happy Mother's Day special…? More like Anime Cruelty Day to me!"

Shinpachi and Kagura began to get to their feet, before a voice from the background cooed to them. The trio were pretty disinterested in the first place, but were soon paying rapt attention to the voice.

"I guess we will just have to stick this out, then," Gintoki grunted, sitting down on his original position. "It's Happy Mother's Day, after all. I can't have my parfaits running away, can I-"

A voice from the background inexplicitly asked him to quieten down.

"Why are you so secretive, Director?" Kagura picked her nose, looking at the background curiously. "You clearly bribed us with yearly supplies of parfaits, sukonbu and otaku CDs, yup. Why else we will stay for this thing?"

"Cut it out!" the director's voice echoed. "Cut that part out! We can't have readers seeing that!"

There were a few scuffles in the background.

"It can't be cut out, Director!" a shrill voice sounded. "The author refuses to delete that particular section!"

"What?" the director rasped. "Could this be… the power of the fourth wall?"

"You are breaking it yourself!" Shinpachi yelled. "You are not supposed to enter the world of anime characters as well, idiot!"

"What are we supposed to do?" a gruff voice sounded from the background. "Do we restart this whole thing, or…"

There was a pregnant pause.

"No," the director said firmly. "For the sake of mothers all around the world, we can't afford to do that. We _have _to get this thing done before the day ends! Crew, let's work at it!"

There were teary murmurs of assent in the background as cameras and whatnot started revving up again.

"Why are you crying?" Shinpachi blustered. "All he told you to do was to work at it! That was what you were supposed to do in the first place!"

It was a special day for the entire world.

It was Mother's Day.

In accordance with the honorary day for all the mothers in the world, the Yorozuya Gin-chan have consented to present a Gintama special just for this particular occasion. Dressed smartly in suits and ties, they were seated around a grandiose-looking table on luscious-looking chairs. There was a sealed box lying right in the middle of the table, with a tag stating 'Happy Mother's Day' stuck on the side of it. The lighting in the room was exceptionally pleasant, not to mention a fragrant aroma that smells of roses. This event has been brought to you by the well-wishing folks at Aniplex-

"Oi, didn't you say that you weren't going to restart it?" Gintoki shouted, a vein throbbing at his forehead. "What's with your wishy-washiness? It's as if you don't wash your hands after going to the toilet!"

"I think that's just you, Gin-san," Shinpachi said, his right eye twitching. "I don't think there's anyone else who will feel wishy-washy if they don't wash their hands."

"What are we supposed to do anyway?" Kagura inquired, gazing at the background. "What's this box for?"

"There are letters of appreciation in the box," the director called. "You are supposed to pick some at random and read them aloud. They will convey the heartfelt emotions we have for mothers all around the world."

"Didn't we do this before?" Gintoki demanded. "Where's the originality? Have humans run out of creative juices?"

"This was kind of thought up on the spot," the director said apologetically. "We didn't really have time to brainstorm-"

There was a muffling sound.

"You said it, didn't you?" Shinpachi yelled, pointing accusingly at the background. "You just admitted something that will get all the bad ratings up in one shot!"

"Cut it out!" the director's voice echoed. "Cut that part out! We can't have readers seeing that!"

There were a few scuffles in the background.

"It can't be cut out, Director!" a shrill voice sounded. "The author refuses to delete that particular section!"

"What?" the director rasped. "Could this be… the power of the fourth wall-"

"Stop reusing the same sections over and over again!" Shinpachi yelled. "It's irritating to the eyes!"

Gintoki snorted, reaching for the box in the middle.

"Let's just get this thing done over with, Patsuan," he said drearily. "My parfaits are waiting for me."

The silver-haired samurai withdrew a piece of paper from the box, unfolded it and proceeded to read the contents aloud.

* * *

**Dear Mother,**

**I can't even begin to express all the gratitude I have had for you since I was born. You clothed me, fed me, taught me from right to wrong and guided me through the right path. I will be eternally indebted to your benevolence.**

**The least I could say are three words.**

**You get me up.**

** Love, XXXXX XXXX**

* * *

The very air seemed to freeze. The Yorozuya Gin-chan's faces began to darken tautly.

"What's wrong?" the director asked worriedly after a period of stoic silence. "Continue reading those letters-"

"Like hell we could!" Gintoki yelled, scrunching up the piece of paper and hurling it out of the open window. "That was wrong in every _single _way, idiot! Who the hell will say those words to their own mother? Besides, that was four words, not three words! Argghhh, I'm getting so irritated!"

"Can I rip this whole set apart, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked threateningly, cracking her knuckles. "This must be some sort of secret ****, yup."

"I don't really want to know what's behind those censors, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said weakly. "It might just cause the rating to escalate to M… Anyways, why are letters like that in the box? We can't possibly read that stuff on the net!"

"Why?" the director inquired. "Is it really that touching? That's to be expected. I wrote it after all."

There was another freezing bout of silence as the trio stared at the background.

"What?" Kondo Isao protested. "The director can also write letters of appreciation-"

"Who appointed this gorilla in charge?" Gintoki yelled. "No wonder we could talk to the background in the first place! You were just anime characters!"

"No wonder I felt that there was something horribly wrong with this whole setup!" Shinpachi pointed accusingly. "Even those stingy people at Aniplex will give us a proper location to shoot this kind of things!"

"Can I rip this whole set apart, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked threateningly, cracking her knuckles. "This must be some sort of secret ****, yup."

"As I was saying, stop reusing the same lines!"

"Continue reading those letters, damn samurai," a gruff voice said. "The Shinsengumi are busy enough without these extra things to hinder us."

"Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

The vice-commander of the Shinsengumi took a long puff on his cigarette.

"I'm here to help Kondo-san, obviously," Hijikata Toshiro said. "Why else will I be here?"

"What the _hell _are you supposed to help with?" Gintoki blustered. "Besides, why are you guys even doing something like this? Go and patrol the streets, damn tax robbers!"

Kondo sighed.

"Yorozuya, to tell the truth," he said. "We received a request from a bunch of orphans yesterday. They wanted us to celebrate Mother's Day in their place. Even though they had no parents, they still wished the best for all the mothers in the entire world. We can't possibly refuse something like that, can we?"

The atmosphere had a heavy edge to it. Nobody knew what to say.

"Even so," Shinpachi broke the silence. "Why did you approach us to present this Gintama special?"

Kondo gazed out of the window, a faraway look in his eyes.

"I felt that you guys represented the ideals of those orphans," he said sombrely. "The three of you have also lost your mothers from a young age, after all. You will be able to understand their pain and emotions, and successfully bring out the perfect Gintama special. At least, that's how I feel."

"Kondo-san," Toshiro exhaled a stream of smoke. "Are you going to mention the fiasco with that woman?"

Kondo began to cough uncontrollably.

"It's fine, Toshi," he spluttered. "Even if Otae-san refuses to take the lead, her brother will be there to replace her-"

"Oi!" the Yorozuya Gin-chan shouted in protest. "You spoke some pretty words there, but we were actually a backup plan?

"Let's continue," Kondo cleared his throat and furrowed his eyebrows. "Every mother around the world is waiting for our special right now."

"Who will wait for such a crappy special?" Gintoki blustered. Grunting in irritation, he drew out another piece of paper and unfolded it.

"Whatever," he muttered. "I will just finish this whole thing fast and stock up on my sugar level."

The silver-haired samurai began to read off the piece of paper.

* * *

**Dear Mother,**

**To be honest, I have always wanted to meet you. Even if you abandoned me at a young age, I have always wanted to meet you and speak to you.**

**You will be glad to know that your son had matured to be a fine man. I am now the leader of the Jouishishi(It's definitely not because I resent you to a terrorist degree. I swear it's not because I wanted to throw a bomb at the bitch who abandoned me heartlessly. Really!), and I'm working for a beneficial cause of the nation. Watch me, Mother, I will revamp this corrupted land from the inside and purge it of all the heartless mothers!**

**On another note, I am currently a standby for an anime called 'Gintama'. Even now, I'm on standby outside Gintoki's window, watching them voice my letter with a dramatic voice.**

** Hate- Love, XXXXXXX XXXXXX**

* * *

The silver-haired samurai finished the letter and looked up, his eye twitching relentlessly.

"Aren't you going to arrest that idiot right now?" Gintoki inquired drearily. "He's right outside the window."

There was a gasp of shock. It had emerged from the window.

"How could you possibly know my location?" Katsura exclaimed. "I was sure I kept it a secret!"

"The only secret is the location of your _brain_," Gintoki sighed.

"Katsura!" Toshiro shouted, dashing across the room and leaping out of the window. "You are mine this time-"

He seemed to hang in mid-air.

"I will also like to know the location of your brain…" Gintoki commented. "It's open space right outside the window, idiot."

"You got tricked," Katsura laughed, floating with the help of a parachute. "You will never compare to my intellect, government's dogs-"

Toshiro grabbed onto the hem of his _yukata_.

"You are the biggest idiot I have ever seen, Zura," Kagura picked her nose listlessly. "He could just use you as support even if he falls."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" the young noble of fury protested as he spiralled through the air, an enraged Toshiro hanging onto him for dear life.

"You are not getting away this time, Katsura!" Toshiro shouted. Their figures slowly diminished to a tiny speck in the distance.

Acting as though nothing had happened, Gintoki took the third piece of paper and unfolded it.

* * *

**Dear Mother,**

**I love you, so could you send me some money? I am barely making a living right now. All I have got are 300 yen from the base of the vending machine.**

** Help, XXXXX**

* * *

Gintoki's eye twitched relentlessly.

"Where the _hell _did you get all these letters from, stupid gorilla?" he shouted. "All we have got are lewd letters, hate mails and letters that ask for an allowance! How is this even related to Mother's Day? Why are we even doing this? How many more are we supposed to read?"

Kondo counted off his fingers.

"Maybe just fifty more," he said composedly.

The trio stared at him.

"What? Is it not enough?" Kondo inquired. "You could always do more-"

"It's fine, it's fine," Gintoki clutched his head wearily. "That's more than enough, really."

He withdrew yet another piece of paper and unfolded it.

"Let me make this clear," the silver-haired samurai said. "If this letter turns out to be another bogus one, we are quitting our jobs, you hear me? I don't care about the parfaits anymore."

Clearing his throat, he started to drone.

* * *

**Dear Mother,**

**How has it been going, Mother? I hope you are well. It's been a long time since I met you, and I am missing you so much. Is the village still prim and proper? Is Father still healthy? There are so many questions I'm bursting to ask you, but there could only be so much in a letter.**

**Happy Mother's Day, Mother! For all the love you showered me with, for the education you paid through your pockets for and for all the pleasant food you have been sending me. No other mother in the world could compare to you in my eyes!-**

* * *

Gintoki paused. He got to his feet.

Shinpachi stared at him cluelessly.

"Why did you stop, Gin-san?" he inquired curiously. "It seems like a proper letter to me."

The silver-haired samurai was looking particularly pissed off.

"Finish it, Patsuan," he said irritably.

Uncomprehending, Shinpachi picked up the piece of paper and continued reading. Every word seemed to elicit a sense of distaste.

* * *

**…eyes! Well, perhaps Gin-san could. He has some skill with that **** of his and he could really **** with all his ******* ****. If you could **** me with that kind of intensity, you will be the perfect mother!**

** S & M, XX-XXXX**

* * *

Shinpachi's face darkened, as did Kagura's. Without hesitation, they drove the camera crew out of their apartment, slamming the door after them with a loud _bang._

"What kind of special is that...?" Shinpachi muttered as he tracked back to the office. "It's just preposterous- Gin-san? Where are you going?"

The silver-haired samurai scratched his hair.

"If I leave it to those idiots, they will never get the job done," he said, picking his nose. "I might as well do it myself, for a small price, of course."

Shinpachi and Kagura looked clueless at first, but slowly cracked into grins.

"I will go with you, Gin-san!" Shinpachi volunteered vigorously.

"Me too, Gin-chan!" Kagura quipped, raising her arm enthusiastically.

Gintoki stepped towards the threshold, opened the door and grinned.

"Let's go and accompany some kids for the day, shall we?"

* * *

**A/N: Happy Mother's Day, guys! Hope you guys liked this special, and hope you guys will have a fruitful Mother's Day with your mothers! Cheers!**


	5. Chapter 5: A Death Game

**Genre: Humour/Parody/Drama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters, except for the sadistic guy and his mother.**

* * *

******When Two MADAOs Play A Death Game, It's Hard To Get A Victor In Life**  


* * *

"Hey, wake up."

…

"Hey, wake up already! This is not the time for sleeping!"

… …

"Hey! Wake up! I'm telling you to wake up!"

… … …

"… … … Fine, if that's how you want it."

A few static sounds began to crackle in the background.

"Alright, now to adjust the volume… **Hey! Wake up!**"

Glass seemed to shatter. As far as Sakata Gintoki was concerned, his ears have shattered.

"What the hell was that for?" the silver-haired samurai yelled angrily, clutching his ears tightly with both of his hands. His teeth grated against each other in pain. "You freaking destroyed my eardrums!"

"**You refused to wake up-**"

"Shut the hell up! You're going to destroy my brain!"

"**Sorry- **Alright, I have tuned the volume down."

"You shouldn't have even turned it up in the first place, you piece of shit!"

"As I was saying, you refused to wake up. It was hard for me, you know? It was like providing an opinion in a group project and they refused to listen to me…"

"That just means that your opinion stinks! Did you raise your voice when they ignored you? Did you? You didn't, right? So why the hell did you turn up the volume _now_, you piece of shit?"

"Different situations call for different measures."

"What the hell do you mean by that? I don't see any freaking _difference _whatsoever!"

"There's a distinct difference, no matter how you look at it. On one side, there's a group of determined and resolute students discussing seriously about a project. However, on the other side, there's a useless man who's still sleeping even though it's practically afternoon. Do you see the difference now?"

"Don't underestimate the art of sleeping, you piece of shit! I will have you know that I prototyped the solution to ending international hunger in my sleep!"

"Really…? That's interesting. Tell me more about it."

"It was broken when you smashed my eardrums in, you piece of shit! Give it back! Give it back to all the deserving children around the world!"

"… What's broken seems to be your sense of reality. Alright, enough of this idle chatter. You fail to understand just how _perilous _your situation is right now. If you understand the sheer terror of it, you will never talk to me the same way again."

"Huh, I'm in a _perilous _situation? You've got to be kidding me. How is conversing with a guy who gets ignored by his own project mates _perilous_? That must be the funniest thing I have ever heard-"

The silver-haired samurai squinted instinctively. A sudden burst of light had illuminated his dark surroundings, causing him to avert his gaze in defence.

"What did you do that for?" Gintoki blustered, shaking a fist in the air. "Are you trying to destroy my eyes this time?"

"I won't destroy your eyes. It serves no purpose. Instead, I want you to _use _your eyes. Do you see me?"

Gintoki turned his head. He was in a dirty, rundown sort of room with four mud-brown walls facing him. There was no door in sight.

"Not unless your face is one of those mud cakes," the silver-haired samurai said. "Where the hell is this place? Why isn't there a door? How do I get out?"

A hollow laugh reverberated around the room.

"I see you finally realise the _extremity _of your situation. That took quite a while, though, but no matter. Things shall progress swiftly from here."

"Answer my questions, you piece of shit! And stop scrunching up those tissue papers from behind an invisible screen! Show me your face, you horny kid!"

"… That's a surprise… I will have expected you to react in a more… _anxious _way. After all, you're trapped in a foreign room with depressing walls, and hearing an invisible voice ringing through your ears. Not to mention that huge ball of spikes chained to your right foot. It looks like I wasn't wrong. You are _different_."

Gintoki stared blankly at a wall, before slowly turning his gaze to his bottom half. A metal ball with nasty-looking spikes was chained tightly to his right boot. He tried to move his right foot, but it refused to budge. He tried to remove his boot, but it was practically _glued_ to his foot. Apparently, the metal ball weighed roughly the same as an entire building.

The silver-haired samurai blinked, before returning his attention to the walls.

"Hey, what the hell is this? I can't move? I can't _move_? How the hell do I get out then? How the hell do I get this thing off my foot? I don't want to drag it along with me for the rest of my life!"

A pregnant pause followed his outburst.

"Ahem, it seems that you are not different after all. It looks like you are just slow on the uptake. Regardless…"

Moving visuals flickered onto the wall facing Gintoki. A person was staring at him; a person who was wearing some sort of disfigured puppet mask with red, sinister-looking eyes. Red spirals that culminate in lollipop-looking insignias decorated his upturned cheeks. The silver-haired samurai's right eye twitched relentlessly.

"Do you see me?" the masked person's mouth moved on the screened visuals. "Visual test… 1, 2, and 3. Do you see me?"

Gintoki seemed to pop a blood vessel right there and then.

"Who are you trying to fool?" he blustered, pointing an accusing finger at the screen. "You're just Jig*aw from the S*w movies! Get back to your sadistic movies and leave this anime alone! You will terrify the audience with your messed-up face!"

"Oh…?" Jig*aw said, casting an appraising look at him. "It looks like you are _different _after all. I wouldn't have expected you to recognize me…"

"Who wouldn't? Who will not have heard of you? The entire internet is afloat with all of your twisted memes! In fact, every single one of them starts with the same exact line!"

"Well, it's still better than that overused one in Sky*im, isn't it? Don't you get tired of saying," I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow in the ****?""

Gintoki's mouth gaped open.

"Anyways, that's not the point," Jig*aw said, looking at him intently. "Since you recognize me, it will make everything _easier_."

The masked person's sinister-looking grin seemed to stretch even wider.

"I wish to play a game, Sakata Gintoki," Jig*aw specified. "If you win, you get to leave. I will open a secret entrance in this room that will lead you right back to your home, safe and sound. However, if you lose…"

Gintoki has watched too many S*w movies in his lifetime to know what's going to happen next. He subconsciously gave a gulp, cold sweat breaking out in his forehead.

"I see you get it, as expected from a smart man," Jig*aw appraised. "Very well, let's get started, shall we-"

"Wait!" Gintoki shouted, shooting a protesting hand. "There are always two participants in this kind of game! Why am I playing it _alone_?"

Jig*aw seemed to arch an eyebrow.

"Haven't you realised it yet?" the masked person breathed into the screen. "There are _two _participants in this game."

"Who are you trying to fool? I don't see anybody else in the room-"

The silver-haired man's eyes widened in disbelief as his searching gaze stood to a still. There was another man sprawled on the ground, back-first. The figure had a similar ball of spikes chained to his left leg. But what caused Gintoki to gasp inadvertently weren't the ragged clothes the figure was wearing on his body. It wasn't even because of the pair of black sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose.

"I see what this is…" Gintoki turned his head to Jig*aw. The masked person seemed to be smiling in anticipation. "So that was what you were going for, huh?"

"… Correct."

Gintoki clenched his fists and returned his attention to the person beside him. He can't believe that he had missed out such vital details right from the start. Firstly, the ball of spikes chained to his right foot was directly linked to the ball of spikes chained to the sprawled figure's left foot. Secondly, a small knife was lying on the floor, a modest distance away from them. Last of all, there was a red buzzer labelled," Press me and you win!" at the far end of the room. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that sadistic bastard was after.

"Looks like this is the worst revelation of my life…" Gintoki sighed resignedly, crouching and taking a seat on the floor. "There can't be any worse-"

His face tautened. He heard snores. He turned his head. The sunglasses-wearing man was _snoring_.

A vein formed at the silver-haired samurai's forehead. There was actually an even _worse _revelation, and it irritated him to the brim. Gritting his teeth, he smacked the MADAO right in the chest, hard. It woke him up instantly.

"How could you sleep through all that?" Gintoki yelled, visibly irritated beyond measure. "Just how much of a MADAO are you to have slept through all that? You are also in this shitty situation, Hasegawa-san! So why were you the only one sleeping?"

Hasegawa Taizou pressed his own chest with a hand, spluttering uncontrollably. The blow had seemingly knocked all the air out of him.

"Don't think that you can smack me just because I'm a MADAO!" Hasegawa protested blindly. "Even MADAOS have their own code of honour-"

The MADAO's eyes caught sight of a distinctly disgruntled silver-haired man.

"…Gin-san?" he said uncertainly. "Are you Gin-san?"

"Who else can I be?" Gintoki picked his nose with a finger, before flicking a booger into the air. "The Silver Surfer…?"

"Well, the Silver Surfer is bald, so you can't be him…" Hasegawa pondered heavily. "But then, you look like you could be him as well…"

Gintoki was getting, if it was even possible, pissed off beyond sheer measure.

"It was just a reference, you idiot! Read the situation! We are in a life-and-death situation right now and you are banging on about some silver surfer!"

"… But you were the one who mentioned the silver surfer-"

Hasegawa paused. He looked at Gintoki. The silver-haired samurai was grunting in irritation.

"…Life-and-death…?" the MADAO repeated slowly. "What do you mean by life-and-death…?"

**TEN HOURS LATER: 10PM**

There was a distinct dejected air in the atmosphere. Two figures were seated on the floor in rigid positions, trying desperately to ignore the audible rumbling from their stomachs. They had abstained from conversations for a long period of time in order to conserve some precious energy, but they couldn't quite say the same about their own needs. Unable to even move a single step from their current positions, it makes one think. _How _are they going to shit…?

"Stop narrating, you sadistic piece of shit," Gintoki yelled. "Just free us already! I have a show to watch at 4PM!"

"It's 10PM already."

The silver-haired samurai's eyes widened.

"I missed the latest episode? No, Darylllllll!"

"… Don't worry, Gin-san. Daryl didn't die."

Gintoki turned his head in blatant disbelief.

"How do you know?"

"I watched the episode, obviously."

"Who are you trying to kid? You were with me the entire time!"

"As in, I saw the episode in my dreams. He was alive and well."

There was a long, contemplative pause, during which Jig*aw grew visibly irritated.

"Why don't you guys just get on with it?" the masked person demanded. "I didn't sign up to play such a _boring _game. I signed up for a sadistic, gory, blood-shed blood-fest-"

There was a soft knocking noise. It had been emitted from the screen.

The victims watched as Jig*aw rose up from his seat and walked out of sight of the visuals. They heard the sound of a door being opened.

"… Mum, didn't I ask for _apple _juice?"

"This is apple juice, honey."

"Mum, apple juice doesn't look _orange_."

"Trust me, honey. It's apple juice. The colour is just off, that's all."

"Mum…"

"…Yes, honey…?"

"You didn't add _carrots _to it, did you? You know I _hate _carrots."

"…"

"Mum!"

"…Sorry, honey. Yes, I did add carrots to it…"

"Mum!"

"But, but! You need the carrots, honey! I'm worried about you… your eyes will surely explode from all that time you spend sitting in front of the computer! Carrots will prevent the explosions!"

"…Mum… my eyes won't explode just from sitting in front of the computer… Not unless it's some kind of nuclear computer…"

"…But I heard… What's that, honey? Are you talking to your friends?"

"...Yeah! Yeah! I'm talking to some friends of mine. Sorry, Mum, but they are shouting for me. I got to go, Mum."

"Alright, honey! I won't interrupt you any longer! Please drink that cup of juice, okay?"

"I will _try_,Mum…"

There was the sound of a door being closed. A few seconds later, Jig*aw was back in his seat, holding a cup in his right hand. He was looking distinctly disgruntled.

"…Seriously, Mum?" the masked person muttered. "I _hate _carrots-"

He looked up. Gintoki and Hasegawa were staring at him critically.

"What…? I really hate carrots."

**FOUR HOURS LATER: 2:00AM**

"Gin-san…" Hasegawa said softly. His chin was propped on the caps of his knees, his arms wrapped around his legs.

"What is it, Hasegawa-san?" Gintoki replied, emitting a casual yawn. He had tried to lull himself to sleep, but had failed.

There was a hesitant pause.

"Things aren't looking… well here…"

Gintoki looked over. The MADAO seemed to be shivering in his spot.

"I told you not to wear such tattered clothes," the silver-haired samurai sighed. "It's no wonder you are feeling cold-"

"No, Gin-san…" Hasegawa continued. "It's just that… my bladder isn't feeling really good right now."

Gintoki could not help but give a snort.

"Just piss at the sides, Hasegawa-san," he said, picking his nose. "It might stink, but we have been doing it for the last few hours-"

"No, Gin-san… you don't understand… I don't want to take a piss…"

There was a long silence. Neither of them wanted to continue the subject at hand. A booger rested on Gintoki's fingertip, mercifully unflicked.

**SIX HOURS LATER: 8:00AM**

"Hey, hey, wake up."

"…"

"… …"

"Hey, wake up. You aren't supposed to be _sleeping. _You are supposed to be playing a game. So get on with it, already."

"…"

"… …"

"Wake up before I tune the volume up again-"

"Alright, alright," the silver-haired samurai muttered, gingerly sitting upright. There were prominent, dark circles under his eyes. "It's not like I was sleeping anyway."

Turning around, he looked at the resting figure of Hasegawa.

"You're awake too, right-"

_Grunt_

The silver-haired samurai could feel the trenches of irrepressible anger stir up inside him. With a snarl, he whacked the MADAO hard in the chest. It was the second time in one single day.

Hasegawa opened his eyes instantly, proceeding to grab his chest with a hand while groaning in pain.

"What did you do that for, Gin-san?" he spluttered reproachfully. "I was having this good dream…"

"Read the situation, idiot! Is this the time to be having nice dreams? I was there worrying like hell and you're there snoring like a pig!"

Hasegawa raised a hand in protest.

"But, Gin-san…" he said defensively. "If I don't sleep, I will-"

All of a sudden, the MADAO's face tightened. His lips pursed in a stretched expression.

Gintoki's eye twitched relentlessly as the older man retreated into himself, shivering on the spot.

"I will feel like shitting…" Hasegawa completed his sentence with a soft mumble. His teeth were gritted; it seemed to be taking all his internal resolve not to let loose there and then.

The silver-haired samurai drew back instinctively. Face darkening in apprehension, he turned to the projected image on the wall, where an amused Jig*aw was trying his best to stifle his laughter.

"Let us go, _now_," Gintoki said. It was less of a threat than anything; in fact, it sounded more like a plea. "Let us go and you will live to scrunch up another tissue paper in your room."

Jig*aw seemed to grin.

"…I have already let you go. All you have to do is press that buzzer at the far end of the room and you're free to go. Is it that hard?"

Gintoki got to his feet, his eyebrows furrowed intensely.

"Bastard, do you enjoy watching people _suffer_ so much? In that case, why don't you just go to those S & M clubs and play to your heart's content? Why did you choose to play with a bunch of grown men instead? How twisted are you?"

The grin seemed to fade from Jig*aw's face. The next second, a cold aura seemed to be emanating from the silver screen. Jig*aw's face seemed to be contorted in an expression of intense hatred.

"Do you know who I _hate _the most in this world?" the masked person breathed coldly. "I detest _masochists _and _MADAOs… _Do you want to know why…?"

Gintoki stood his ground as Jig*aw stepped closer to the screen, his face occupying the bulk of the screen.

"My own father was a perfect example of the _both _of them. He went around losing all his money at casinos, took out all his anger on us and left us fending for ourselves. He refused to work, claiming that he didn't need to. He said that a lucky break will provide better than a stable job ever will."

The voice behind the mask was practically freezing in pure hatred.

"He _borrowed _from creditors to fuel his casino trips. When he was unable to pay up, those bastards turned up at our house and beat us up. They thrashed my dad, my mum and me without hesitation. But that wasn't the worst part… Do you want to know what the worst part was?"

Gintoki stared impassively as Jig*aw seemed to tremble with pure anger.

"He enjoyed it. He _enjoyed _being thrashed. He was moaning, snivelling and crying for them to hit him harder. Did you know how disgusted I was? Did you know how pained I felt? My own father was _enjoying _being beaten up."

The masked person sat back in his chair, looking dazed.

"Even now, he refuses to repent. My mum slogs at her job _just _to compensate for his debtor's interest alone. We live in constant fear every single day, afraid that the creditors will lose their patience again and come knocking at our door…"

Gintoki did not say a single word when Jig*aw had trailed off. He just sat down on the floor, the palm of his hand supporting his chin as he stared at the screen.

"So…" the silver-haired samurai sighed. "You were filled with hatred for your own father, saw us as the MADAOs you hated all your life and decided to go sadistic with us. Did I get it right?"

Jig*aw was silent for a while.

"…Correct," the masked person conceded. "I was possessed with hatred, too much hatred. If I don't vent it, I will go insane. That can _never _happen. If I go insane, my mum will be left all alone in this world. She will be left alone with the monster that was my dad. I will _never _let that happen."

Jig*aw gazed at the silver-haired samurai intensely.

"…I can't bring myself to kill him, no matter how much I hate him. Mum, being the benevolent person she was and is, will grieve for even that monster. I can't let my own mum be grieved anymore, can I? Yet, I knew that there will never be another screwed up guy like my own dad. So I settled for the worst MADAOs in town instead. I observed the entire district for months. I did research on the unemployed personnel. In the end, I found the both of you. You seemed _perfect _for my plans."

He seemed to smirk.

"And now, everything is fitting in nicely. I will watch the impending destruction of the worst MADAOs in the district and absolve the burning hatred in my heart. Nothing could be more _perfect_-why are you smiling? How could you still smile?"

Jig*aw seemed to be bewildered at the wide grin on the silver-haired samurai's face, who was getting to his feet in a languid fashion.

"Why am I still smiling?" Gintoki repeated. He gritted his teeth and snarled, trying to advance with all his might. The metal ball barely budged in its place. "I'm smiling because I can't let _you _be grieved anymore, bastard."

"…What are you talking about? Grief…? You won't let _me _be grieved anymore? What are you talking about…?"

The silver-haired samurai mustered all his strength and pushed forward. The metal ball shifted slightly.

"You know as well as I do that you won't feel better even if we _die_ right before your eyes," Gintoki snarled. "Your hatred will not diminish, not even by a single drop."

Jig*aw gave a nervous, hollow laugh.

"What do you mean…? Of course I will feel better… The deaths of two MADAOs will practically lift me to the skies-"

"Stop deceiving yourself, kid," Gintoki shouted, looking at him. "You know as well as I do that you _won't _feel better. After all, you don't hate your father for what he has done. You _hate _him for what he could _not _change."

"…What the hell are you on about? Of course I hate him! I hate everything about him! He did so many ruthless things to me and my mum… How could I not hate him-"

"Think about it!" Gintoki shouted again, snapping Jig*aw out of his senseless rant. "Think about everything you have done so far! Did you _genuinely _try to kill us?"

"…Of course I tried! From the very start, I wanted to see the both of you suffer unimaginable pain! One of you will have to cut your burdened foot off and hop to the buzzer, where you could press it. Once you press it, I will open the secret entrance for exactly five seconds, where you will escape, leaving the other one behind for a slow, terrible death-"

"Skip the gruesome details of your grand plan and get to the main point," Gintoki said, cutting his droning short. "From the very start, you wanted to play a game with us. Why did you have to do that if you weren't _genuinely _trying to kill us?"

"…That was because I felt it appropriate to give you a chance-"

"Precisely!" Gintoki shouted, causing Jig*aw to look shocked. "Think about it! If you genuinely wanted to kill us, you will never even have given us a chance!"

"…That was because…" Jig*aw mumbled incoherently.

"From the very start, you wanted to give us a chance _because _you wanted to see us survive! Or rather, you _hoped _that we will survive!"

Jig*aw was shaking his head slowly.

"No… that's not true…"

"It's true," Gintoki said intently. "As I was saying, you didn't hate your dad for what he did. You hated him for what he didn't _change_. Somewhere in your heart, you hoped that he will change for the better and start being a good father to you, and a good husband to your mum. That was why you gave us a chance in the first place. You hoped that we will survive, which will mean the distinct possibility that your dad could change as well. After all, if two MADAOs somehow survive certain death _together_, surely your dad could change as well."

Jig*aw was shaking his head rapidly.

"…That's preposterous…" he said softly. "Insane… crazy… delusional…"

"If what we are saying is as mad as the world outside," Gintoki said calmly. "Why are the collars of your shirt wet?"

Jig*aw barely comprehended the words in his daze. Turning his head, he looked at his own shirt. It was peppered with tiny drops of crystal clear liquid.

"…Why is my shirt wet…?" he exclaimed softly, looking uncomprehending.

"You want to know why?" Gintoki said. "If you want to know why… take off that stupid mask, idiot."

Jig*aw tried to laugh. It came out more as a soft chirp.

"Do you think I will really-"

"_Take _it off, idiot."

The masked person paused for a substantial while, seemingly considering the words of his own captive. Finally, a pair of hands reached for the mask, slowly but surely taking it off.

"Finally, idiot," Gintoki grinned as he looked at the screen. A young-looking boy with a pair of eyes that are practically swimming with tears was gazing back at him. "What's your name?"

"…Jig*aw…"

"Your _real _name…"

Jig*aw paused to wipe some tears with his right sleeve.

"Isshin… Tendou Isshin…"

Gintoki grinned.

"Isshin-kun, huh?" the silver-haired samurai said softly. "Alright, Isshin-kun, listen up."

The boy looked at him uncertainly.

"Listen up," Gintoki said, gritting his teeth. "We are _going _to prove to you that we can actually survive together."

"…How…? It's just not possible…"

"Never say the word impossible, kiddo," a voice sounded. "It's not valid in the code of the MADAOs. It's not valid in _my _code."

The boy's eyes widened. Hasegawa was on his feet, gritting his teeth as well.

"…How could it be…?" Isshin murmured. "You're supposed to be up to your neck with shit…"

The MADAO visibly winced.

"Don't mention it in my face…" he cringed. "I will get the urge coming back again… However…"

Hasegawa grinned at the screen.

"Compared to the pain of a certain kid, I'm pretty sure that my own is insignificant," he said. "Mine could be absolved with a single trip to the toilet, after all."

The boy gazed at the both of them in disbelief.

"Why are you going so far…?" he whispered. "Aren't MADAOs supposed to be useless and hopeless…? Why are you guys so persistent and determined…?"

Gintoki snorted.

"That's just plain, old stereotyping, idiot," he said. "Don't you know…? MADAOS these days enjoy a cup of parfait and the sunglasses on their faces- Hasegawa-san, are you ready?"

"Never readier, Gin-san," MADAO replied. "In fact, let's just go or I'm going to _let _go soon."

The silver-haired samurai turned back to the watching boy.

"Watch this, idiot," Gintoki said. His eyebrows were descended, creating an intense look on his face. "We will prove that your father can actually _change._"

With that, they growled and started pushing forward. Every tendon of their muscles was used; none were spared. Yet, after ten long seconds of heaving, the metal balls barely budged.

"It's impossible!" Isshin cried. "Wait for me! I will be there to unlock the chains-"

"Don't underestimate MADAOs, kiddo," Hasegawa snarled. "We don't submit to little things like metal balls, even if they do feel as heavy as entire buildings."

"…But…" the boy protested.

"Just watch us, idiot," Gintoki breathed. "I _promise _that we will get out of here alive, and help your bastard father to change. Until the promise has been fulfilled, I'm not dying here with a pair of sunglasses."

"Heh, same to you, Gin-san," Hasegawa replied tautly, sweat streaming down his cheeks.

The boy could only watch as they roared intensely and began to venture forward. Without realising it, his teary eyes have dried up, and were shining in anticipation, excitement and _hope_.

"Go for it!" he yelled with all his might.

**TEN YEARS LATER**

There was an unreadable air in the cramped, office room. A smartly-dressed young man was sitting on a chair, visibly shifting in anticipation. On the other end of the table, a bald and moustached man was flipping through some papers, speed reading the contents with distinct efficiency. When he was finally done, he placed the papers on the table and looked at the younger man, who looked shocked at the sudden eye-contact.

"So," the bald man said slowly. "Isshun-kun, right…?"

"It's Isshin, Tenzou-san."

The older man considered him for a moment, before reaching for a specific page from the stack of papers. He began to peruse it.

"Your idea definitely has substance…" he said. "In fact, I see _huge _potential in it. But…"

The young man's wide grin froze in place.

The older man looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed.

"But… where on earth did you manage to get the inspiration for this story from?" the bald man broke into a wide smile. "It's _amazing,_ son! The audience won't be expecting such a movie at all! In fact, it might just break the box office with the perfect casting and directing! It's unbelievable, son-"

The young man looked at him blankly. He knew that he should be cheering, shouting in joy even, but he could not quite get himself to do so.

_Inspiration…? Where did I get the inspiration from…? Now that I think about it…_

"This movie will be _phenomenal_, son. It will be mentioned in the same breath as Tita*ic, no doubt-"

_Inspiration…_

_Never say the word impossible, kiddo. It's not valid in the code of the MADAOs. It's not valid in my code._

_Listen up. We are going to prove to you that we can actually survive together._

_Of course… that was the inspiration all along… It's just that I have grown so used to it…_

The young man's eyes brightened. Without further hesitation, he began to relate the entire experience behind his inspiration, smartly leaving behind all the decrepit details.

_Ten years ago, two MADAOs failed to escape a death room. A young boy had rushed to their aid._

_Ten years ago, the boy and his mother could not take it anymore. They applied for a restraining order against the father, where he could not approach them within a certain distance. The last time the boy had seen his father was when the court had legalized the restraining order. His father had shook his fist and said that they will regret doing it. They will regret turning him away._

Tendou Isshin smiled as he shook the older man's hand warmly. Their negotiations have been successful; his idea had been adopted for an actual movie serialization.

_Ten years ago, he had lost a father._

"I hope to have a good working relationship with you, Issi-kun," the bald man rumbled. "_Road to MADAO_ will _surely _be a blockbuster hit!"

"It's Isshin, Tenzou-san."

_Ten years ago, he had lost a father._

_However, he had gained two fathers in turn. Two useless and headstrong father figures…_

_Two fathers that he had loved and cherished…_

"I will see you in a week then, Isshik-kun," the older man waved cheerily. "We will discuss the actual plans then!"

"It's Isshin, Tenzou-san…"

Waving in return, the young man walked out of the office only to sigh at a more than familiar sight. There were two men in a heated dispute, with a helpless woman trapped between them.

"I still think that he should be a doctor or something," a silver-haired man snorted. "What could a _scriptwriter _possibly do?"

"Gin-san, you should let Isshin take his own path…" a man wearing a pair of black sunglasses replied wearily. "It's his decision, after all…"

"You're too soft, Hasegawa-san… Kids should always follow the decisions of their parents!"

"…I don't think he's a kid anymore, Gin-san…"

They turned to the woman, who looked shocked at the sudden attention.

"Akemi-san," the silver-haired man demanded. "What do you think? You support the idea of him being a doctor, right?"

"Uh…" the woman hesitated.

"Akemi-chan," the sunglasses-wearing man looked at her. "We should let Isshin take his own path, right? It will be for the best, right?"

"Uh…" the woman did not know what to say. She began to shift her attention between the two periodically. "I think-"

"Gin-san, Hasegawa-san!" Isshin called, dashing to their side. His poor mother was mercifully released from the glares of two full-grown men. "Don't worry, they accepted my script! It will be adapted into a movie!"

There was a stoic silence as the men stared at him with disbelieving gazes.

"What…? You don't believe me-"

"I knew you had it in you!" Sakata Gintoki wrapped an arm around the young man's head. "I knew I should have asked you to become a scriptwriter! I _knew _it!"

"Gin-san…" Hasegawa Taizou protested. "That wasn't what you were saying just a moment ago! You were calling for him to become a doctor!"

"I changed my mind, then," Gintoki grinned as he ruffled Isshin's hair warmly. "I changed it _ages_ ago."

"You changed it a few _seconds _ago! Besides, let me congratulate Isshin as well! I was the one supporting him throughout the entire process! I should be the one to ruffle his hair!"

"Hasegawa-san… I provided support too, you know. I provided _moral _support."

"How did that even help?"

As the men began to engage in a heated debate all over again, Isshin gazed at his mother warmly. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, before cracking into a sweet smile.

"I'm proud of you, Isshin…" she said softly, before tears overwhelmed her. Excusing herself quickly, she started walking towards the female's toilet, emitting sniffles as she went.

"…Mum…" Isshin mumbled softly. "She's still the same, huh…"

"How long are you going to ruffle his hair? It's my turn!"

"You can wait for another twenty minutes, Hasegawa-san. It won't be long at all…"

Isshin looked up to see the familiar faces that have been guiding him throughout the years. He subconsciously cracked into a warm smile.

Up till now, Tendou Isshin still sees no reason why he will regret that particular decision. After all, he had not the MADAO love of _one _father, but _two. _And as far as he was concerned, that might just be the greatest thing since buttered bread.

* * *

**A/N: That was one hell of a long one-shot, wasn't it? Well, it was long by my standards anyway. Hoped you guys liked it!**


	6. Chapter 6: Umibouzu vs Hosen

**Genre: Humour/Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.**

* * *

**When A Fight Breaks Out, Shit Happens... Literally**

* * *

Yato: a word that strikes fear into every single being in the universe. It was a word that referred to what was widely acknowledged as the strongest race in the entire galaxy; what with their monstrous strength, superb reflexes and overwhelming thirst for _blood_. Wherever a member of this accursed clan stalks, the planet will be doomed to fall under the sheer blood fest that ensues. For this reason alone, the Yato were more than unwelcome on nearly every thriving planet in the galaxy; perhaps with the sole exception of an oceanic blue planet, which accepts the bulk of the Amantos into its land.

Yet, even though they were the most feared creatures in the universe, there was reportedly a fight that eclipses even the normal fare of the Yato. Legend speaks of a fight that spanned three days and three nights; ultimately ending with a titanic _bang_. At least, that's how folk legends went by. The real account of the fight was virtually unknown, perhaps only transparent to the great sweeper of the galaxy, the extremely powerful Umibouzu himself. After all, he was one of the combatants in that legendary fight; sparring against the deceased King of the Night, the indomitable Hosen.

After years of investigations and stalking- careful approaching, the reputable Galaxy Paparazzi have successfully unearthed a fairly reliable account of the actual fight from bits and pieces here and there. The _legendary _fight was chronicled in a book humbly titled: **The Legendary Fight between The Strongest: A True Account**. Upon its release, readers flocking to and fro the galaxy snapped it up like rabid maniacs after the latest coveted toy; the first printing was conspicuously swept off the shelf and consecutive printings had to commence instantly. They _simply _could not get enough of the book, even resorting to the net and publishing their own variations of the story. Hungry for more, these unlicensed fan fictions were highly popular among unsatisfied readers; earning thousands of followers on well-recognised Fan Fiction sites in the space of _three _days.

Here's what the pumped up readers of **The Legendary Fight between The Strongest: A True Account** had to say about it.

"It's absolutely _shocking_," a pair of glasses, Shimura Shinpachi, commented. "I will never have thought that the fight had actually been so hyped up in the first place. The book really opened my eyes to the real thing."

"I have no idea who Umibouzu is," an immigrant living in Earth, Kagura, said firmly. "I _definitely _have no idea who that bald guy is, uh-huh."

"Well, that was a surprise," a useless person from Earth, Sakata Gintoki, said casually. "I was sure that the bald guy must have had a much better fight with that old pervert. In fact, the book turned out to be so boring that I would rather get the weekly issue of Jump. You know what? Give me this week's issue of Jump; I will give you this piece of shit instead."

"Even my grandmother could fight better than that," a policeman from Earth, Okita Sougo, said deadpanned. "Even someone trussed to his neck with sharp, piercing chains could fight better than that. Worst three hundred yen I ever spent; now I will have to take it all out on the pitiful citizens of Edo."

"No comments," a policeman from Earth, Hijikata Toshiro, said irritably. "I didn't read past the first page; I would rather be eating my favourite bowl of mayonnaise than swallowing that uneventful muck."

"It was the best book I have ever read, to be honest," a useless person from Earth, Hasegawa Taizou, said with tears in his eyes. "It was touching, romantic and everything that just about sums up my entire life. In fact, it could just be an autobiography of my life."

"This book is why Amantos invaded Edo in the first place," a terrorist from Earth, Katsura Kotaro, shook his head morosely. "It was a whole load of Jackie Chan's nose-shit."

Well, the comments more or less imply the whole mood about the release of the book. Nevertheless, without further ado, we shall disclose various choice snippets of the best-selling book; as a form of teaser for all of you audience! Experience a part of the epic journey that is **The Legendary Fight between The Strongest: A True Account** with your own eyes right now!

* * *

"Umibouzu!" a man with long, light-grey hair and a chiselled body roared; as he closed in with a red, yellow umbrella gripped firmly in his right hand.

"Hosen!" a man with wild, black hair yelled intensely; as he charged with a murky-green umbrella closed tightly in his right hand. His eyes were the very definition of intent and thirst.

The Yatos clashed with a colossal wave of force, the umbrellas locked in a hold that will shatter the strongest diamond to dust. Gritting their teeth, neither of them refused to give ground; even when the solid earth threatened to collapse under the sheer weight of their feet. They held the stance for exactly thirty minutes; an entire half an hour where they simply glared at each other and growled low threats.

"Give it up, Hosen," Umibouzu hissed, sweat streaming down his cheeks. "I know you're barely keeping up with me. If you give up now, I swear I won't kill you."

The bigger man snorted: it came out as more of a cough. "You should be the one who stands down, Umibouzu," Hosen laughed faintly, his muscles stretched to the limit. "Your legs are going to fall any second now, aren't they? If you give up now, you could save the use of your legs for another day, bastard."

"Heh…" the black-haired man smirked weakly. "I could still get by even without legs. If I break your arms, it will be harder to live on, isn't it? Give it up now, Hosen. I swear I won't break your arms if you give it up now."

"Hmph… the loss of my arms will hardly compare to the loss of your head, will it? Retreat if you don't want to walk around like a headless zombie, Umibouzu!"

"Have you never heard of cockroaches before, idiot? They thrive even without heads. However, they will surely not thrive without a throat. Give it up before I rip your throat, Hosen!"

"Well, then, I will just have to go after your heart. _Nobody _can survive without a heart!"

"You're going so far? Guess I will just have to tear out your lungs. I will see how you breathe without lungs!"

"Watch out for your intestines, little squirt."

"_Watch _out for your liver, bastard!"

"I will _tear _your ribs out!"

"Not before I tear your bones out!"

"Your ****…"

"Your ****…"

"Your-"

The men ceased their pointless squabble as they slowly turned their heads towards the horizon. An intense, yellow-orange light was emanating from the horizon, casting a warm glow over the land itself. The sun was spreading its influence over the frigid, cold and deserted battlefield with its mere presence; lighting up the darkness that was the Yato's homeland. Without knowing it, their battle had somehow stretched to the break of dawn.

The Yatos' faces darkened inexplicitly as the rays of sunlight got ever closer to them. With a mutual consensus that needed no words, they withdrew their umbrellas, opened them and took shelter under the parasols as the sun extended over their areas. There was a brief, stoic silence.

"Guess we will have to continue this fight at night, then?" Umibouzu said slowly. "We could hardly go all out when there's a big ass sun in the air, could we?"

"At night, then," Hosen agreed with a curt nod. "All the better for me to rip your **** out."

Turning their backs to each other, the Yato began to traverse the stretch of the battlefield to their respective dwellings; where they will meet again in the wee hours of the night. The both of them conveniently forgot to mention that they needed to go back for breakfast as well, since there was a distinct rumbling noise erupting from their stomachs.

**THREE DAYS LATER**

Umibouzu barely had time to take a quick breath. Reacting instinctively, he leapt out of the way of a particularly lethal strike; Hosen swings his umbrella in a heavy arc, cleaving a building cleanly into two. Turning to each other with barely-concealed battle lust, they were closing in with the sharp points of their umbrellas when a funny sound was emitted.

The Yatos stopped in mid-air, landing on the ground with not-too-gentle gestures.

"What was that…?" Hosen inquired curiously, gazing around his surroundings. "I could swear I heard something…"

Umibouzu did not reply. He was busy clutching his abdomen with both arms. The funny noises did not subside; on the contrary, they were rising in altitude.

The long-haired Yato slowly tracked the origin of the noise. With a gradual turn of his head, he lands his eyes on the man before him. The sounds were coming from Umibouzu himself.

Hosen stared at him for a good, long while before consenting to speak. "How are you making those noises-"

Another funny noise erupted; it was the loudest so far. In addition, there seemed to be a soft 'pop' sound right after it.

Umibouzu visibly cringed, his face inclining awkwardly to meet an eyebrow-twitching Hosen.

"I need to take a dump…" the black-haired man rasped weakly, his arms never leaving his abdomen. "We will have to continue this fight at a later date-"

His face turned green. The very next second, he was traversing the length of the battlefield at rocket speed; but not before a funny noise had erupted like a fanfare, closely followed by a definitive 'pop' sound.

The King of the Night stared after his enemy's retreating figure with a vapid expression. There were no words to convey what he was feeling there and then. Suffice it to say that he had lost his craving for battle at a certain pungent smell; it will not be enough to turn him off for future fights, but it did quench his thirst for war for a period of time…

* * *

When Umibouzu was approached for his thoughts on **The Legendary Fight between The Strongest: A True Account, **he refused to answer any posed questions. The great sweeper of the universe maintains that the book was purely fictional, with no trace of truth in it whatsoever. However, he did let slip at one point that the battle might have ended with a suggestive _bang _instead of the rumoured titanic _bang_.

What do you think? Do you support the belief that the fight was actually a legitimate one? Or do you trust in the book that promises the real perspective of the entire battle? Without further ado, we close off this particular chapter with _you _to decide for us.

Note: The books have entered their fourth successive print and stocks are still _flying _off the shelves. Get your copy today while you still can, folks! Rumours have it that the great sweeper himself is making it a point to destroy every single copy on sale!


End file.
